If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
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