I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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