He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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