Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I accidentally had phone sex last night
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
