do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
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He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
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... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
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