you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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