I seem to have left my pride at pride
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
