My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
