my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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