somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
