So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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