Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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