about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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