I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
it was like eating out sand paper
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
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