If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
