She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
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