you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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