she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
