I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
