3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
