make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
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Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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