Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
