my phone needs a breathalizer
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
