i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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