I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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