i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Randomize
