i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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