I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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