Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
