i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
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When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
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Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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