I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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