three words: i give head
three words: not that well
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
