I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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