Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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