I accidentally had phone sex last night
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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