apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
