My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Randomize
