Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
