I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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