He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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