So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Watching her eat just hurts me
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
