who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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