Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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