I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
time to smoke my breakfast
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Randomize
