I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
