normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
