Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
