is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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