do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
