Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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