STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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