We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
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It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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