i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
You are a booty call, not a friend.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
