a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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