So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Randomize
