This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
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