some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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