Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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