too bad you live with your parents still
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
