Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
