The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
