We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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